Originally published September 26, 2018
If you are a woman in America this week and are not seething, my guess is your anger is being suppressed by your ideology. That is really not meant to be derogatory. The same thing happened on the left in the 90s, when liberal women could not bring themselves to entertain the allegations of sexual assault brought against Bill Clinton. For all other women who are paying attention, it has to be doubly infuriating that this latest immorality play is being acted out after a year with the spotlight on #MeToo.
If you are a man in America this week and are not also seething, then what is it going to take to wake you up? If you have not been one of the less than .25% of all men per year who commit sexual assault or rape (U.S. Department of Justice. National Crime Victimization Survey. 2009-2013), you should be as furious as women.
Sexual assault and rape are way too common. But they are not normal. Each year, an estimated 99.75% of men manage not to commit them. On the other hand, sexual harassment (including some women perpetrators), and general male cluelessness are quite common, if not exactly normal. In addition to the harm these lesser evils cause in schools, the workplace, and relationships, they produce a cultural milieu where misogyny is accepted and fertile ground exists for sexual violence.
That is why men should be offended and push back hard whenever someone uses some version of the excuses: “boys will be boys” or “just locker room talk”. Or why they should know that when they witness women being denigrated, humiliated, or threatened– either in the moment or when a second chance appears years later– to be silent is to be complicit.
Men should also reject the implication that we are incapable of empathizing with the other sex. Really? Let’s see. I grew up in a home with a mother and three sisters, have been married to two women, have four adult daughters, and, remarkably, had interactions with countless women in the workplace. A little heavy on the estrogen balance perhaps, but most men have a lifetime of exposure to our fellow humans of the XX chromosome persuasion.
So, how hard should it be to let that experience with the women in our lives inform our understanding of what women have been telling us through the #MeToo megaphone? Isn’t it a matter of simple empathy and compassion to listen to women who have nothing to gain but pain risk telling us about being assaulted, who did it, and how it affected them?
If the women coming forward are disrespected, or even disregarded, en route to a Kavanaugh confirmation, the angry activism that results should include too many men to be labeled a “Women’s” anything. But men should be proud to join in anyway.
I have experienced a smoldering and growing rage this week as men and women who support seating Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court have signaled a willingness to do so at any cost, including the minimizing and attacking of women who are bringing allegations against him. It is so similar to the emotions I felt leading up to the Trump inauguration that I had to stop and consider why that might be. I think the clue is in the outpouring of protest that was the Women’s March the following day. The country had given the keys to the Oval Office to a man whose oft self-proclaimed misogyny had been endlessly broadcast for every voter to witness with the Access Hollywood footage. Now, we are on the verge of giving a lifetime appointment to our highest court, where he would decide on future limits to women’s rights over their bodies, to a man who is credibly accused of having personally assaulted those rights when younger.
But, Kavanaugh’s supporters say, we cannot know who is telling the truth. It is not fair to ruin a man’s life without proof. Well, aside from the majority party showing no willingness to try to unearth more facts, we should be honest about how “ruined” his life would be if not confirmed. He is up for a promotion, not standing trial, so no jail time. He has already taken a hit to his reputation and it may suffer a bit more before this is over regardless the outcome. He will return to his powerful position as a D.C. federal appeals court judge. And, he will have to live with how close he came to becoming a Supreme Court Justice. Perhaps he could commiserate over a beer with Merrick Garland.
Much has been written to remind us this is a job Kavanaugh is going for, not a right that he has. So, I’ve thought about that in a more mundane setting. Our daughter has a preschool. Let’s say she needs to hire a new assistant because her last one moved. She interviews a terrific candidate and is all set to offer the job. Just before making that call, an acquaintance comes to the door and says she just heard about who was applying for the job. The acquaintance says she and the candidate used to work in the same school. She does not know any details, but the principal’s secretary told her the candidate was let go because of some inappropriate touching of a kindergartner.
This is a second-hand allegation and there is no way to know for sure if it is true. It is unfortunate to turn away an otherwise qualified person, and unfair to that person if the allegation is untrue. However, it would be most unwise to risk hiring that candidate.
The other charge by the esteemed old white men on the Senate Judiciary majority that really riles me is that the assaults alleged were so long ago. Memories are unreliable and besides, why would anyone wait so long to come forward? The allegations must be fabricated and probably politically motivated. Therapists who work with sexual assault survivors know differently. The dozens and dozens of stories that have been prominently told by women in the past year, as well as the thousands of cases of children coming forward decades after their abuse at the hands of Catholic priests, demonstrate the relationship of abuse and memory.
For what it is worth, this is my #MeToo story.
My 6th grade Sunday school teacher was very popular and kids loved being part of all the activities he provided. He would occasionally take small groups of boys on special trips. One I remember was to Hollywood to see an early screening of the blockbuster, Ben-Hur.
Near the end of the school year I was invited for dinner and an overnight at his home, where he lived with his elderly wheelchair-bound mother. This was 1960 and no alarms were going off for me or my parents. That night he got into bed with me and I was molested. I did not speak about it to my parents or anyone else at the time. I was embarrassed and ashamed and must have tucked it away for years.
In high school, I was reminded when a friend from that church class was on a basketball team we were playing. He took me aside during warm-ups and told me our former teacher had been thrown out of the church because he had been fooling around with boys. I did not tell him I had been one of them.
It stayed in some subconscious file drawer until my 40s, when the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings led to workplaces offering inservice training on sexual harassment. Something in that content triggered long-suppressed memories. I relived uncomfortable, crystal clear events of that night for several days before I shared them– for the first time ever– with my wife Ann. After that, I was able to file the incident in a mental drawer with my other childhood memories.
My experience was mild compared to most– in deed, duration, and damage. Yet I understand how such experiences singe the victim with blame and shame, can be hidden and seemingly forgotten, only to reemerge at some trigger point with clear and certain mental images, so vividly was it burned into the soul.
When such victims, propelled by conscience and courage, come forward, we owe them respect and resolve not to make them victims anew.
8 Replies to “Anger in the Time of Kavanaugh”
Mary Ann Timeus
Thank you for sharing and supporting women. Yes, we are seething but we are also reliving past personal traumas. The attempts to discredit these women who have come forward at great expense to their privacy and safety is unreal.
Barbara
Well said as always, and very brave to disclose your #MeToo.
Emily Erickson
Excellent, powerful piece. I’m so proud to call you my dad. ❤️
Becky Clausen
SEPTEMBER 26, 2018 AT 11:17 PM
Beautifully written and insightful commentary. I love the balance of rage put into a place of calm, caring logic. Brave to share your personal story, Mike. It shows the authenticity of your support of those coming forward about Kavanaugh and your personal strength in putting the experience in a context that does not define you. I think Kavanaugh will become a supreme court justice and will have decades of power to disrespect women’s rights and diminish our sense of justice as a nation. But the clarity of compromised values that has surfaced during these hearings reflects on those involved so vividly, that they will never regain respect or honor. Sad times, but maybe this extreme is what we need to see clearly how compromised our politicized and fractured democracy has become. I love your writing and your thinking Mike.
Linda Harris
I concur with all these comments. This is so clear and poignant. I applaud you for taking time to write this piece and to share it with us,
Jan Graves
Thank you for this beautifully written opinion piece. You deftly included many truths and insights as you shared your personal story. I look forward to reading more of your works.
Pat Cassel
Thank you, Mike. I applaud your courage in sharing your experience and, as always, I appreciate your thoughtful and cogent writing. Well said.
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